Valentín Rodil is a psychologist and a grief expert. He works in this Mobile Unit of San Camilo, where they reach out to people in need of therapeutic support.
He has spent years studying how people's reactions to the loss of a loved one has evolve over time.
VALENTÍN RODIL
Author, From My Ashes, My Foundation
I realized two things. One, that the timelines for grief we typically follow probably aren’t accurate, and therefore, the rebuilding process takes much longer.
The other thing I realized—and I think it’s important to highlight—is that grief isn’t a process that ends with a “happily ever after” sign. Over the course of ten years, life throws enough hardships your way.
In his book, From My Ashes, My Foundation, he shares several examples he has witnessed, like a woman who lost her fiance during his bachelor party.
VALENTÍN RODIL
Author, From My Ashes, My Foundation
It took her a very long time to even begin processing the whole story. Later, she got married to someone else. It was beautiful—a meaningful moment for her, a second chance. However, soon after, she lost two babies and can’t become a mother. So, behind grief, there isn't always a happy ending.
That’s why this psychologist emphasizes the importance of working on realistic motivations and having patience: there are no quick formulas for facing grief. Life, with all its challenges, will not wait for you to feel better before it continues on.
VALENTÍN RODIL
Author, From My Ashes, My Foundation
Ultimately, there’s a point of true hope that must be talked about. Hope that is not a mere illusion, and that requires letting go of less truthful hopes, like the belief that the loved one will return. You would not believe how many people, even against their better judgment, still think their loved one is going to come back.
In addition to proposing realistic hopes, Valentín focuses on a specific verb: to choose.
VALENTÍN RODIL
Author, From My Ashes, My Foundation
The loss of a loved one, or of something deeply meaningful, is often so powerful that it feels like a personal collapse. Everything feels like it’s over. And it’s in that space that the verb “to choose” brings hope.
It is important to begin to make decisions, whether small or big. It is also important that the person’s closest circle is deeply respectful of their timing.
VALENTÍN RODIL
Author, From My Ashes, My Foundation
If you have a friend who decides, on their own, to stay in bed, strengthening their decision means strengthening their capacity to choose. Respecting their decision helps them move forward. Otherwise, society just pushes people to get back to life, and that’s pretty problematic, because it means people return to life without having processed anything, without having lived through it.
All of this points to the idea that one can emerge from grief, and that it is a process that can be enriching, given the right amount of time, effort, and care.
JRB
Trans. CRT
